100 Ways To Beat Loneliness
A conversation with Allison Gilbert, co-author to iconic sex therapist Dr. Ruth
When I first picked up iconic sex therapist Dr. Ruth’s final book, The Joy of Connections: 100 WAYS TO BEAT LONELINESS AND LIVE A HAPPIER AND MORE MEANINGFUL LIFE (co-written by my lovely friend Allison Gilbert), my first thought was…I’m not lonely. As I kept flipping the pages, their writing changed my mind.
We moved to CT almost four years ago, but we haven’t put much effort into finding a community we can call our own. My friends are in different states and life stages. The connections I formed in my 20s are different now that we’re in our 30s and paving different paths. And yet, I feel more myself and ready for connection (and joy) than ever.
When I asked Allison to answer a few questions on her new book (a really encouraging, actionable read), she happily said yes. I hope these answers offer guidance if you feel lonely, like you’re starting over with forming connections, but are eager to tap into the joy of hanging out with yourself and others.
VN: Tell us, what inspired you to co-author this book with Dr. Ruth?
AG: I met Dr. Ruth when I was reporting a story about her for the New York Times. She was on a quest to become New York State’s Ambassador to Loneliness, the first position of its kind in the United States. Her campaign was ultimately successful. New York Governor Kathy Hochul appointed her to the role in November 2023. The Joy of Connections is an outgrowth of this important and urgent work. Dr. Ruth’s goal was to help readers forge deeper and more meaningful relationships. My goal, as her co-author, was to help craft and shape her wisdom for the page.
VN: There’s been a lot of talk about the ‘loneliness epidemic,’ especially after COVID and amongst parents. How does your book help tackle the loneliness epidemic?
AG: The Joy of Connections embraces the same approach to problem-solving we all came to associate with Dr. Ruth throughout her iconic career — direct and no nonsense. There are 100 concrete opportunities in the book for overcoming loneliness and finding friends, community, and intimacy. Each one can be put to use immediately. Unlike books that look at the causes of social isolation and analyze its sobering consequences, The Joy of Connections is about action — offering readers strategies for building and nurturing deeper bonds with friends, neighbors, coworkers, and family.
VN: If someone were to pick up the book today, what can they expect to take away as they read?
AG: The Joy of Connections is framed by Dr. Ruth’s groundbreaking Menu for Connection. There are five parts: “Self,” “Family,” “Friends and Lovers,” “Community,” and a small portion of “Technology.” Every section is vital but the most consequential one is “Self.” It’s absolutely essential to discover what it is about your actions, words, or perspectives that has made you “retreat into yourself or push people away.” This is hard work. But your connections are more likely to blossom once you’ve carved out time for self-awareness.
VN: I need to ask. Of the 100 options, do you have a favorite way to connect that popped up as you were writing the book?
AG: I have so many favorites! One idea that I never considered before I wrote this book with Dr. Ruth is the social upside of sitting at the bar when you go out to dinner by yourself. It can be quite awkward to sit alone in a restaurant. But because people sit side by side at the bar, it’s actually hard to tell who’s eating solo and who’s not. Plus, you can talk with the bartender and the people next to you. As Dr. Ruth puts it so well, think about the alternative:
“Consider how different the social experience is when you’re seated by yourself at a restaurant.
When you walk into a restaurant without a reservation, there’s no way to avoid the host’s or maître d’s inevitable question: ‘How many are in your party?’ And then again, once you’ve been shown to your table, the waiter or waitress will inquire if you’re expecting a friend to join you. Within a minute of your answer, the second place setting is whisked away. All of these seemingly innocuous interactions can feel humiliating. You can avoid all of this by heading to the bar.”
VN: I call this section — Book Pairings (like wine and cheese, but all about books). What books pair well with your book?
AG: There are so many wonderful books on overcoming loneliness. Two of my favorites are The Connection Cure by Julia Hotz and The Art and Science of Connection by Kasley Killam. Please let me know what you’re reading. Email me at connections@allisongilbert.com or get in touch on social media — @agilbertwriter. I’d love to hear from you!